Day 137: going back to an office, imperfectly

Sometimes I latch onto little coincidences in life

Like when I check the time and it’s 5:20 / 521, I take it, quite seriously, as a love letter from the universe, and quite seriously I answer: mm, I love you too

When the clock shows my birthday numbers, I think: happy birthday, sweetheart

I’ve noticed that for all 3 jobs I’ve had so far, I took the first offer

And this time, my start date turned out to be the day after the day I left home 4 years ago ;)

“Setting out again” probably means something like that

When I left for the airport back then, the scent of osmanthus I passed and the warm afternoon sun settled deep into my memory, like an invisible tether keeping me from fading away; my parents were by my side, the unknown in the distance was waving at me, friendly and tempting, and all I had to do was walk forward with an easy heart

And now… well, now is just now

The sky in Dubai is getting dark earlier, and evening walks aren’t as muggy anymore. One day Shunza’s song “Dear Friend” suddenly drifted through my head, and listening to it again after all these years, the lyrics fit how I feel right now almost uncannily

Autumn still came on its own schedule, and the old days are gone; I don’t try to think of them, yet I can’t forget

Five years after leaving the office, tomorrow I’m going back to that life, dressed up as a grown-up; it isn’t a perfect choice, just an imperfect me taking an imperfect little step forward

Before I’ve even learned to be “carefree,” to be “unrestrained,” to “enjoy a long vacation,” my gap period is ending; looking back, these six months were full of anxiety, pain, struggle, doubt and fear. It’s not that there was nothing good—it’s that… I want to truly accept this stretch of time as it was, along with this wobbly version of me

I don’t know how to look back on this year; it feels like walking through one long spell of drizzle after another

I did get some things done along the way, not always with my whole heart, but at least I pretended to show up

I shipped 4 complete products and 3 skills

Plus a personal website, over a hundred RedNote posts that I also turned into a site, and dozens of Substack posts

I understand the challenges of being an indie builder better now, and along the way I got to know myself better too

I saw my solid execution and ability to learn, and my judgment and promotion skills that aren’t good enough yet

I saw the limits of relying on outside feedback, and I also saw a faint inner light in me that never really went out

There’s still a lot I don’t know what to do about, but I’m learning to move forward with a bit of the unknown and uncertainty, and not to let myself get stuck somewhere first

Sometimes my own feelings are the best source of information and the best compass; I’ll keep going with them

Good luck, second half of the sentence

Day 137 👈 nice, a prime number I like